Whoa...

I just saw Michael Moore's documentary "Sicko" and I am moving to France! (or Cuba!) Geez...the United States is so messed up - it's really discouraging. The only thing inspiring is that we have people like Michael Moore who speak out about what is going on...

Andy thought the movie was 'hopeful' because at least there are good examples of free health care in other countries - but I feel a bit more pessimistic. The almighty dollar is a huge carrot for HMOs - and politicians, etc.

In my lifetime I hope I live to see a woman president, an African American woman president, gay marriage (equal rights for ALL,) and free health care, no more jails and peace on earth. Amen.

Do You Realize?

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize - we're floating in space -
Do You Realize - that happiness makes you cry
Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

-Flaming Lips (click on 'Do You Realize' to hear the song - it's beautiful!)

On Christmas Eve the kids were decorating cookies and I was so bugged that they were getting multi-colored sprinkles everywhere! It was totally pissing me off!!! And then I got yanked back to reality. I remembered that there is a woman I know who has just recently been diagnosed with acute leukemia and has been in the hospital for the past month. She has no partner or children, no health insurance, and has to be separated from her beloved dog. It certainly gives me gratitude every time I think of her...

This morning I read in the paper that a woman I know (neighbor, casual friend, business acquaintance) died in her home last week. She is divorced and we used to commiserate together about how painful it is to be separated from our kids. She has a son in the 4th grade. My heart just breaks about the whole thing. One of my worst fears is dying while my kids are young and leaving them...so sad and shocking.

But here's the deal...like the Flaming Lips so rightfully say: "Do you realize that everyone you know someday will die?" I treasure the people in my life and feel so blessed for their presence. xoxo

Community

I had the luxury of going to my favorite yoga class today - and the class was such a treat. I love this particular teacher for many reasons - her class never gets boring or routine and she shines love on everyone. I have had teachers come and go and it reminds me to have gratitude for the time we have together - however long (or short) it is...but I digress!

As Tunde (my teacher) sometimes does, she asked us to pick a word and set an intention for our practice. The word that came to mind was 'community.' The past 4+ years have been a whirlwind of divorce, falling in love, blending a family, attending to a family, my father's death, starting a business, closing a business, etc. When I finally opened my eyes this Fall I was surprised at how isolated I had become. In this time of stillness, I have been longing for connection with others and doing what I can to reconnect with loved ones and begin new friendships as well.

When I am really in my heart, I am out of my head - not self conscious and paralyzed. Today I had a great yoga practice and afterwards I thanked the woman next to me for sharing her practice with me (she said I had a "great flow" - uh huh, oh yeah.) But seriously, it was great to connect with a stranger! To just "reach out and touch somebody" you know? And then I met a relatively new friend for tea and we just hung out and I got to hear about her life, and I had the time to listen - such a gift. And yesterday I went over to my really cool neighbor's house and we sat in their handmade sauna and hung out. I loved it.

My dream - one of my ultimate dreams - is to buy land with other dear friends. We would all have our own home but there would also be communal space for performance/art/shared meals/music/dance, etc. And there would also be a barn with animals and a communal garden. I might build a straw bale house (once I learn more about that.) And live in community. That inspires me and I am going to keep allowing that to come alive. Thanks for listening...

The Best Things In Life Are Free

I've heard this expression my whole life, and I don't think I ever
knew what it meant - nor cared. Until this past year. After a few
really hard business experiences (in a row) I took such comfort from
my family. Having the kids around me, a cozy house, a loving
husband, a sweet dog. And we had an exceptionally long Fall season
this year, and the beauty of it pleased me deeply.

This holiday season has been rich - all the kids were at our house
for Christmas Eve and watching Christmas through a child's eyes is
priceless. Harlan woke up at 1:45am saying "I think I heard some
sleigh bells!" Love is the answer people - and it's free... Love
you. xoxo

Christmas Eve

Through the years, we all will be together,
if the fates allow...

All 7 of us are together tonight - and 4 of us have had major crying today (including me.) This is my first experience of a big family - something I always dreamed about as a girl. It is the hardest thing I've ever done - and the most heart opening. I love each one of them and am grateful that we are all together tonight. Perfectly imperfect.

Seeing The Light

The luminescent full moon is shining tonight. Offering light at the end of winter solstice. A tiny seed, deep down in the deepest part of my belly stirs. (No I'm not pregnant.) It just feels like deep down, an ancient part of me knows the days are getting longer - even while the cave woman in me gets so sleepy at night and can barely wake up at 7 in the dark morning.

Here's a beautiful piece I read about 'light' yesterday:

A Star Without A Name

When a baby is taken from the wet nurse,

it easily forgets her
and starts eating solid food.

Seeds feed awhile on ground,

then lift up into the sun.

So you should taste the filtered light

and work your way toward wisdom

with no personal covering.

That's how you came here, like a star

without a name. Move across the night sky

with those anonymous lights.

-Rumi

ps - I'm having a lot of technical difficulty with the font color command - very aggravating...

Solstice Eve

On this darkest night of the year, many warm blessings to you and yours...xoxo

My Tribe...

Keith Ryan Riggs is an inspiration to me. He is a photographer (among a million other things) and he does beautiful altar cards. Currently you can find his work at Om Time. I have added his website (Chasing Thunder) on to my list of favorites - and you can click the post title "My Tribe" to go directly to his site.

Here is one thing you will read when you go to Ryan's site: "Our service is to spread inspiration and has begun with a series of altar cards." Spreading inspiration, how cool is that? It turns out that Ryan currently lives in Boulder and I contacted him to see if he would be interested in meeting. To my delight he said 'yes' and we met last week. It was wonderful and I look forward to meeting again soon.

I am grateful to meet somebody whose mission is so similar to mine and I can't wait to meet more people that resonate on this particular vibrational level. I can feel that it is coming!
xoxo

Love...

I don't know if anyone has noticed that my "daily" blog hasn't been exactly daily. I am trying to find stillness in this busy time of year. It feels so unnatural to be out in the world - I know 2 people that got into car accidents this week because of another driver going to fast and then swerving into them to avoid another car.

But unemployment has brought many blessings. One of them is the gift of time. I have been fortunate to practice yoga and meditation while the kids are at school. And on of my favorite treats is getting to reconnect with friends and have tea. And I mustn't leave out hanging out with my dog!

In the January 2008 issue of Shambala Sun, Slyvia Boorstein speaks of her Buddhist practice. She says "I didn't become a Buddhist because I wanted to be a good meditator, I wanted to suffer less." And she goes on to say that the key to suffering less is maintaining warm bonds of emotional connection with others. That has been my experience in the past few months as I have had the luxury of time and the blessing of friends. Thank you.

Winter Solstice

Such a powerful time of year - do you feel it? This is a time to really go inwards and feel into the stillness. Yesterday I just dove into my meditation and took such sustenance from the peace of mind it gave me. Wayne Dyer (and others) talk about "getting into the gap" and that is exactly how it feels...

Eye Contact

Do you want to get intimate with somebody - really fast? Sit across from this person - cross legged, knee to knee, and each of you gaze into each other's left eye. Just do this for 3 minutes and see what comes up. It's pretty intense and a very powerful way to touch into each other. I love this exercise! It can feel uncomfortable at first, and you may have the urge to laugh - let the smiles happen and stay with it - keep making eye contact. It's a beautiful way to 'see' into somebody's window. Try it. I'd love to hear what happened for you and what you 'saw.' xoxo

Truth

Truth is inspiring to me. I love when people speak their truth. It
completely enlivens the conversation and the energy becomes
palpable. I was in a conversation earlier tonight and I was just
kind of blah blah blahing away and somebody stopped me and called me
on it - bam! The conversation changed immediately and the truth was
revealed. And greater intimacy occurred. What a privilege.

Oh Christmas Tree

We got our tree today. This year it's a fresh one and it smells so good! Last year we used an artificial one and the top is permanently tilted so we couldn't put a star on it and Sophie cried when she found out it wasn't a real tree...no tears today...

Ever since I was little, I loved to sit by myself and stare at the tree with its lights on. Beauty inspires me. Christmas lights are so beautiful. Tomorrow I'll post a picture of our tree - it is so perfect! When Andy and I bought it, it was all tied up and skinny and frozen. Then we brought it in, untied it and set it in the sunny window. A half hour later it was fluffy and fat and perfectly shaped!!! I am so grateful for this tree that graces our living room.

Right Now

"simply put, the future has arrived, and it is time for you to be who you are"

Planet Waves, December 2007

Love

Neem Karoli Baba (Krishna Das's guru) - look at his sweet face...

So I have to speak more about Krishna Das...I saw him last night. Krishna Das was here in Boulder, wearing his signature red t-shirt and red flannel shirt. He looks a lot like my father and they have a similar way about them. Since my father has died, it is especially poignant to see KD and be reminded of my dad and also to see signs of age in KD.

Apparently last night was the last stop on his tour for awhile - he will now take 2 months off - and his voice was a bit ragged and he seemed kind of road weary. But he sang and played his harmonium for 3 hours - it was so great. I got to go with a dear friend - Eleni - and we swayed and clapped together and sang our hearts out.

KD told a story about his guru - Neem Karoli Baba - and what his teacher said to him so many years ago. "Lose yourself in love." KD speaks about following his spiritual practice in order to have a "transparent heart." These concepts seem so simple to read yet so profound to live by. I want a transparent heart - that takes total trust, complete surrender, I think. But that is what I want and that is what I'm working towards. And listening to Krishna Das and practicing 'kirtan' is one sure fire way to get there. As Krishna Das said last night: "the results are inevitable."

Kirtan

Hello Friends,

It is such a beautiful, snowy day here in Boulder. It's been snowing non-stop since yesterday morning. I am all cozy up in my bedroom with my green tea, looking at my altar and feeling the delicious gift of free time. I have a few hours to myself and it feels rich.

Tonight I am going to see Krishna Das at the Unity Church. The first time I ever heard his voice was in a new age shop in Encinitas, CA. They were playing on of his cd's and I felt compelled to ask the store clerk who it was. Then I bought the cd - the rest is history. That was just over 7 years ago and I've been on a wild ride ever since. Big life changes, major clearings, huge heart openings, over and over.

I've listened to KD's cd's over and over, in the car, at the yoga studio, on 'repeat' in my living room. I've given his music as gifts, I've flown across the country to see him perform, I've sat with friends and chanted together. The first time I went to see Krishna Das, (here in Colorado, 5 years ago) he spoke of loving his teacher, his god, his essence, with the same passion and energy we have for a lover. I was struck by this concept - and confounded. I couldn't imagine loving myself that way. I believe that night of kirtan was the beginning of my journey of self-love. Finding love in my heart for myself, for my inner voice, for my god, has been the most spiritual experience I have ever had. I am grateful to call Krishna Das a teacher and I give thanks for him.

(click on the title 'Kirtan' for a lovely video of one his more poignant songs that he sings with his daughter - very moving.)

Dreams

So last night I dreamt about a jaguar - the black cat kind, not the car - and in my dream the jaguar was leading me through the rain forest. This jaguar (a male) asked me if I was afraid of rats. I freaked. "Yes I'm afraid of rats! Terrified!" I squealed. The jaguar was calm and said "Just follow me." So I did.

This morning I looked up 'Jaguar' in Animal Speak (a book about animal totems) and it symbolizes "Reclaiming your inner power" (I s**t you not) and 'Rat' symbolizes "Success." Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

So now I'm contemplating whether I have fear of success and am deciding to reclaim my inner power and let it lead me through the forest. Amen.

Oh Yeah, Uh Huh

Hello, hello! I'm back - I'm back on track. It's been 2 weeks since I was stricken with the flu and I went back to yoga today. I almost passed out and threw up, but I went!!! And that feels like a milestone - just to exercise again. And I meditated today, and I chanted. And you'll never believe it, but guess what? I felt more centered today - hah!

These past few weeks have been incredibly rich for me. I've been on a dark, mysterious journey of the soul - stuff with my mom, stuff with my children's father, stuff with my kids, my illness. It took me a while to start making sense of it and see it as a positive growth opportunity. But I am now. And that makes me feel so much more peaceful and safe. When I was in despair, and feeling all alone and afraid, I wasn't trusting in the process. I felt completely exposed and vulnerable. But I kept reaching out and chanting and trying to "let go and let god" - blindly.

I feel like I have swallowed the darkness, digested it, and made peace with it. I am a different person in just a few short weeks. I had some hard lessons to learn and my illness gave me the gift of time - time to just sit and allow (and cough) - and I see my parts. I see what I need to change. I am finding some humility where there used to be pride. I am finding strength where there used to be fear. I am finding forgiveness where there used to be shame. It was good medicine.

Reindeer

As part of my divorce settlement I 'lost' my prized sterling silver "tree of life" menorah that I had registered for as a newly converted jew. So my first winter holiday season as a single woman, I bought new menorahs for the kids and for myself (brass and acrylic - not sterling silver) and also some over-the-top Christmas reindeer that stood on my lawn and glowed with hundreds of tiny lights. That was the first year in over 10 that I had a Christmas tree and played Christmas music, over and over.

I don't identify with any particular religion (I probably lean the most towards mysticism) but I love the traditions I've picked up over the years. Our family celebrates Hanukkah without fail and Winter Solstice is a very holy time at our house, and Christmas brings joy for the kids as well as rich sensory pleasure for me. I love the music and the lights! Both Andy and I had less than stellar holidays as children and it feels so healing to create new traditions together. Andy was the one who first put up my reindeer and marveled at my childlike pleasure at the sight of them. Every year now he puts them up for me the weekend after Thanksgiving, and I am grateful that he indulges me and touched by the devotion to this tradition we have created.

Hanukkah

Today we made Hanukkah cookies (a tradition that I've been doing with Lili since she was one.) I love having traditions and I love how my children embrace them. Sophie is the one who will remind me what we did the year before. "We always have chocolate fondue on Christmas Eve..." she will remind me. Oh yeah, I forgot I did that last year! It's so amazing to me how comforting continuity can be for the kids as well as myself.

Today I was on a self imposed deadline - I needed to buy latkes at Whole Foods (the best - really peppery and divinely fattening), come home and make cookies with the kids and then take Harlan to soccer, and then come home and cook a chicken, blah blah blah. The kids were not cooperating. At all. In fact, they were ruining it for me. I started to get snappy and sharp and stressed out. Basically everyone in the house retreated to safer areas and I found myself alone in the kitchen. I started thinking about the "joy" of the season and wondered where mine had gone.

I put on a beautiful cd that I listen to at Hanukkah time. It's called "Festival of Lights" and it really is lovely. As the music flowed out into the living room, I took a deep breath and started rolling out the dough. Both of my kids came back and we hugged and we cut out delicious shapes and decorated them. I called Andy on the phone and told him I was feeling better. And I was.

The Voice Within

I did a google image search on 'voice within' and this is what came up. This is the caption under the painting:
"The Great Voice"...sings within us.
Trust in that voice within you.
It will free you to follow your path,
if you listen.

I LOVE that the eagle is carrying him/her aloft. Over and over these past few weeks I have been given the message (again) to trust my inner voice. I have been seeing it in movies, reading it in books, getting it in dreams, hearing it from teachers and friends. Our intuition is the voice of our soul and it is always there for me if I sit in stillness and listen. "Listen, listen, listen to my heart song..." is the refrain from a beautiful song I learned. I feel like the eagle is carrying me right now...and all I need to do is surrender, sit in stillness, and listen to me heart song and hear my inner voice; the voice of my soul.

Making Love

I can't tell a lie...making love is truly inspirational. The older I get, the more conscious I become, the more 'present' I am, the deeper the connection I am able to have with my partner. And not just any partner...I have to say that my lover is a kind, gentle soul who encompasses both the divine masculine and the divine feminine in a beautiful blend. I am doing a daily chant this is very powerful - and here is what this mantra says about sexuality:

I invoke and dream awake sacred sexuality, erotic innocence, and always express the sacredness of sexual force for pleasure, creativity, and healing.
I invoke and dream awake world universal healing from all sexual woundedness and shame.

Pretty powerful stuff.

Everyone Deserves Music

Music is one of the biggest inspirations in my life. I love to listen to all kinds of music - I have very eclectic tastes. When I first met my husband Andy - 4 years ago - my world had become devoid of music. I have no idea what happened (welll, I can take a guess - I was basically a stay-at-home mom, overweight, lonely, and kind of deadened) but over the years, I had let music go. I can go back to any time in my childhood and remember the songs I listened to: Donny Osmond when I was 8 (I was 8, ok?!!), Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder, The Allman Brothers all through high school, James Taylor and Joni Mitchell in college, and then jazz, latin beat, hip/hop, opera, and more after I moved to San Francisco.

But by the time I was 38, music was not a big part of my day. Then I met Andy. Andy is a musician and a sound genius - he used to own recording studios in Denver and makes audio equipment now. He started making me cd's when we started dating - mostly love songs - but they were all over the map - electronic, rap, hard rock, alternative. Like Doroty, my black and white world because techni-color overnight. I awoke (again.) The gift of music is a powerful one. My heart opened up like a dried up bud, thirsty for rain. I started buying music like crazy on iTunes, and then I started giving it away - making cd's for friends. I joined a dance class and danced several times a week to all kinds of world beats. Today I have one of the best music collections I know of, and I enjoy it daily. I have an iPod in the car, a stereo in the living room, and one in my bedroom too - that even plays in my bathroom! So I can sing in the shower as loud as I want - hah! I just made a bunch of yoga cd's for my yoga studio and it was a gift from the heart. I love music and I love sharing it with others - truly an inspiration! Peace.

(p.s. click on the title "Everyone Deserves Music" to hear Michael Franti playing an acoustic version of this song - a great album by the way...)

What Inspires Me...

The lotus blossom inspires me - every time, never fails. Even before
I consider how it grows, I just see the visual image of the blossom
itself and a bell rings inside my soul. I am a sucker for every
lotus blossom card, refrigerator magnet, t-shirt...there's something
about the beautiful blossom unfolding that captures my heart. I hope
that is what is happening to my heart; a tight bud, slowly, slowly
unfurling, one petal at a time.

Now throw in the fact that the lotus grows its roots deep down in mud
and manure but chooses to have an extraordinarily beautiful and
fragrant blossom, which I believe can be a great metaphor for how I
choose to live my life. And I just read that the blossom represents
creative power and purity amid adverse surroundings. Love it! What
inspires you?

Dreams

Last night I dreamt about tornadoes...and orcas. Not the same dream
- two different dreams. Both recurring themes however...why orcas?
I get tornadoes. It symbolizes my fear that things are getting out
of control, or impending doom. In my tornado dream, I was literally
heading towards the basement of my childhood, but I was holding my
current dog Ruby. Dogs are amazing don't you think? I can't believe
how much pleasure I get from just having Ruby - she is not overly
affectionate and she's horribly trained - but I love her little
face. Today she was taking a sun bath on the living room rug and she
looked like the cow jumping over the moon. I just had to stop what I
was doing and kiss her all over!

Anyway, in my dream, I believe she was my talisman. I was carrying
her down to the basement. Remember I said the other day that I felt
like I was cleaning out the basement of my soul? Well, last night,
in my sleep, I got to journey into that basement and see what it
looks like - and let me tell you, it's gross. But I went down there
with Ruby (who represents sheer joy to me, pure pleasure) and really,
I think the message I took from the dream is that yes, there are a
bunch of tornadoes flying around out there right now, and/but it's
time to get my basement in order and focus on cleaning that out. But
I can bring my guardian angel(s) with me and I'm not alone. And
neither are you.

Alive in Boulder!

Hey all,

Got the news today - bronchitis. Now I'm on antibiotics and looking
forward to an upswing - right quick!

Yesterday I spent all afternoon sitting in the living room with Andy,
going through the past 3 years of financial papers - credit card
statements, bank statements, bills, receipts, etc. We got them all
sorted by category, year, etc. All my money stuff was staring me in
the face. This quote kept echoing in my head: "Clean your plate if
you want dessert." I felt like I was cleaning out the basement of my
soul - dirt, cobwebs, moldy boxes - ugh!!! I gladly would have
poked my eyes out but I had to sit there and go through it (with the
flu + bronchitis) because Andy was helping me and he was making the
time (with the flu and laryngitis) and my lawyer wanted all the info.
by tomorrow so I did it.

"Lawyer?" you ask. Don't even get me started...let me just say now,
if you are thinking of getting a divorce, think long and hard.
Better yet, if you are considering getting married, think REALLY long
and hard about it. But I did it - twice (get married) and I'm really
glad I did do it (the second time.) But my therapist said re.
divorce "everyone will pay a price" and we did, and we are...nuff
said (for now.)

It's clear to me that I have to get my money stuff in order before I
start to reap the bounty...I need to build a solid foundation so that
abundance isn't wasted. it's also clear that it would be great to
start making money sooner rather than later - so I am calling in a
wonderful way for me to make money - soon! :) what that might be, I
have no idea...yet. Maybe videos of Ruby - she is my most popular
video by far on youtube - hysterical!!

OK - that's enough for now. I'm making a come back - oh yeah!

Fading Fast

I've got another appointment with the Dr. tomorrow - fever's back, cough is bad...don't know what is happening but I think my body is saying "Slow Down!" and I just haven't fully let myself rest. This is my 'edge' - I really hate resting. ugh. I missed a 5k last Thursday and it looks as if I'm going to miss the Colder Boulder. boo hoo It's invitational and I'm really proud that I was in a fast time slot. Grrrrrrrrr. I'm having a feverish temper tantrum and a pity party all at the same time. No song today - it's just too darn cheery (the one that I've been rehearsing) and I'm not there (yet.)

The most inspirational part of this post is that you are not me right now! Give thanks!

Sick Sick Sick

Hello All,

So I know I promised you a song and I just can't do it! I am still fighting this flu virus and I am not up to par. I did make you a very delightful video of me being sick however. Remember how I said my favorite humor is self deprecating? Well, I hope you think it's as funny as I do. My humor can be a bit obscure, and a bit immature, and a bit off...be warned. (if you are up for it, click on the title: sick sick sick)

Right now my motto is "Never, never, never, give up." That's a quote from Winston Churchill. I am going to keep on getting better, keep on sending love out to "those who would perceive me as an enemy" and keep laughing out loud.

Peace.

ps - The blog photo is a sunset photo that Andy took from our front porch!

Get Real

OK, I'm not going to lie. I just typed up a smarmy entry and I realized that I was doing exactly what I promised myself I wouldn't do: write as if other people were reading. I have no idea how many people are reading this, but I made a commitment to do this for me - because it was living inside of me, something that I really wanted to do. But what I wasn't counting on was how to write from the heart when I was stricken with the flu and caring for 2 kids that had the flu, and going through some heavy-duty emotional stuff with 2 people that are important in my life (think mother and ex-husband) and dealing with all the other 'stuff' that happens during a busy day (dog barfing, molar crown chipping, etc.)

Emotionally, times have been tough for me lately. But during all of this turmoil, the biggest comfort has been my husband and my 3 little ones. The time I spend with them makes me feel so grateful for the love and abundance that I have in my life. As I write, the kids are at me feet, curled up in blankets, and my husband is sitting close by on the couch while we have our "family movie" - a tradition that each of us loves for different reasons. (I love it because of the buttered popcorn...not usually the movies) Tonight we're watching Santa Claus 3. I am looking forward to a season of snuggling up, seeing the joy of the holidays in my kids' faces, and spending quiet time with family and friends. That is feeding my spirit right now.

Thanks.

Tomorrow I've got a song headed your way - truly inspirational!

Inspirational Quote

Only from the heart
Can you touch the sky.
-Rumi

Giving Thanks

Hi All,

I wish you and yours a healthy, happy, holiday filled with love. We
will have all 5 kids over tomorrow so I am taking it easy today (with
the mini-flu) and lying on the couch with Andy, a movie, and buttered
popcorn. I have a lot of gratitude for my loved ones and all the
bounty I have in my life. I'll write more when I feel a little more
alive! Blessings...

Clean Up Time

Lately, I've been wondering how I'm doing in the Karmic Book of Life...I don't know if this book actually exists or not, but I've been thinking a lot about it. So many intense things have been happening 'to me' and I've been wondering what my part is in it. I've been feeling victimized but I'm not that ignorant to believe that things just happen to me without my participation...but I'm not sure how I'm participating and this has me perplexed. I love the phrase "Own Your Shit." I'm a big believer in that and I think people who know me would agree that I do this (if I'm aware of it - sometimes I'm unconscious of my "shit" and that's a different story...) Suffice it to say, I'm struggling right now and looking at my parts and wondering - without a whole lot of insight - which is a vulnerable feeling for me.

So today I was presented with a concrete opportunity to "clean up my shit" and I am so GRATEFUL for the obvious - thank you spirit, because subtlety is not my forte right now. My husband told me that the seal on our main floor toilet has broken and yucky, sewer water was seeping out on to the linoleum (gross!) He was less than enthusiastic about fixing it. But I tell ya, I jumped right on it! In minutes we were in the car, heading to the hardware store. I had it all figured out, I bought cheap rubber gloves I could throw away and I attacked that sewer water with gusto! Now it is late afternoon and the toilet is fixed and that bathroom is cleaner than I've ever seen it since I've lived here. I have no idea how I'm doing in the book of life, but it felt good to get in there and clean some s*@t up! Oh yeah!

ps - I just want to give props to my hubby and say that I LOVE living with somebody "handy!"

Hanging In There

Well, I'm not going to lie to you. The past few days have been one
crisis after the next - can't really go into details but one thing I
can say is that I have two kids home with the flu (diagnosed.) And
that's the easy part of the past 2 days. So, truth be told, I'm
feeling a wee bit uninspired. (and uninspiring.) Let's hope that
whoever is reading this, can take a tiny bit of strength from knowing
that life is usually not as bad as you might think it is. Today I
found gratitude in the fact that I wasn't being sentenced to prison
for 40 years - that would be a drag. I still have my health, my
family, my home...one daily e-mail subscription that I received today
said to think of life as a road trip and to notice the things passing
by. My response was, "Well, if I'm on a road trip, then I'm stuck in
traffic in Detroit right now." But I've never really been to
Detroit, so no offense, just fill in the blank of any nasty place
you've ever driven through...like Juarez or something...right at the
border where it's really seedy and dangerous and scary... Luckily,
I've got my seat belt on! Stay tuned for the next destination! hah

Kindness

Something that inspires me is kindness - kindness towards others. It's always amazing (and gratifying) to me to see family members dig deep and respond with kindness. My oldest step-daughter Sarah is a good example of this. She has her moods and off days but she has
always come back to kindness - always. And usually before me...

Today I was having a bad day - really a doozy - and I was unkind to a woman on the phone. She was telling me that I no longer had the amount of credit on a credit card that I had thought I had. She was telling me that she could understand how this could be unfortunate and inconvenient, but that she had no control over that. She really had no idea how inconvenient this was to me. So I thought I would just let her know...I told her that I thought she was 'evil' (oopsie...) and then I really showed her by hanging up on her.

Later this evening, a store clerk at the pharmacy was so kind and warm with me. She complemented me on my daughter's name and hoped that I was going to have a wonderful Thanksgiving. She looked at me with eyes of love and I felt her kindness, the connection with this stranger, right in my heart. As I drove home, the little voice inside of me that is always right, was telling me to do something that made me wince a little. I knew that I had not behaved in a way that made me feel proud. I had taken my frustrations out on somebody who was just doing her job. When I got home, I picked up the phone, grabbed my credit card and dialed. I told the man my name and explained that I had spoken to a supervisor earlier that day and had "lost my temper and said some very unkind words and that I wanted to apologize." The man said in a very gentle voice, "Thank you Mrs. Smith, I will make a note of this on your account."

Beauty and the Beast

Here is a picture of my dog Ruby and our cat Smokey lounging. I just
caught them spooning on the couch, Ruby with her arm around Smokey.
I wish my camera had been handy! They are an unlikely pair - Smokey
as graceful and light as Ruby is clumsy and lumbering. Ruby has
bristly hair and smells bad, Smokey is soft as velvet and always
groomed. Sometimes Smokey will place his paw on Ruby's face and use
his claws to hold her down and give her a good licking. I think
Smokey feels sorry for Ruby that she is so stinky! That's just the
kind of cat Smokey is...very Ghandi-esque. My daughter Lili picked
him out at a pet shop (in the pet adoption center) for my step-
daugher Sophia's birthday present. And believe me, that was a very
Ghandi-esque thing to do. Lili's cat had died unexpectedly earlier
that year, and I was surprised that Lili was so adamant that she
wanted to get a pet for her little sister (and not herself.) I
reluctantly agreed to "take a look" at the cat. When I saw him in
his cage, and I looked in his eyes, something clicked. This was a
good cat. He had spent most of his life (6 months) in this cage.
All black, skinny-skinny, and so loving. We went home, Lili
presented her case to my husband, and the next day we went and
adopted him. He's the most loving cat I think I've ever lived with.
Everyone loves him. The kids go crazy for him; he sleeps on their
beds, lets them carry him around - really remarkable. Ruby and
Smokey - two complete opposites, yet best friends. Embodying
tolerance, love, and acceptance...

Silly Saturday

Humor is one of the things I treasure most in life. I recently visited an old friend in California and we laughed so hard for 4 straight days. I came home and thought, "Man, if there were any cancer cells in my body, they are gone now!" Do you have any friends that you laugh with? If you do, I suggest you make some plans to spend time together. Thanks to my husband, my kids, and my friends for putting up with my quirky sense of humor and for sharing it with me!!! (hint: click on Silly Saturday and be prepared to laugh out loud! haha)

Windy Day

This is a picture of my boy running. This past spring, a freak wind
came up while he was playing at the reservoir and created chaos for
about 2 minutes. My son is now phobic about the wind - absolutely
terrified to be outside if it's gusty. Today he was in tears at
school and it broke my heart. He is only 5 and he is trying to be
'brave' and not cry, so he tells his teachers he needs to go inside
and get a drink of water, rather than admit his fear. A friend of
mine gave me the inspiration to have him draw about his fears. Wish
us luck. I love him so much and wish him freedom from his fears -
especially the ones that are based on the past and not the present.
I wish this for all of us. xoxo

kid's r cool

I just went on a field trip with a bunch of 3rd graders (and the bus
got stuck in a traffic jam for an hour and 45 minutes - while a bunch
of kids sang "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves..." oh
yeah!!!) But I have to tell you, these kids know where it's at.
They are the future. Spend some time with an 8 year old and prepare
to have your mind blown. I sat with an 8 year old boy who told me he
likes to have his hair long because it bends "gender identity."
Loved him! And the best part of the day is that I got to hang out
with my step-daughter and see her classmates, see her school, her
routine, etc. This kid is an inspiration for sure - she loves
animals and has such a bright light burning inside. Going on this
field trip got me out of myself and put me in the 'present' like
nothing else. I was in a lot of self pity earlier today and I
COMPLETELY forgot about it for over 5 hours. What a gift. I'm so
grateful for children on this planet right now. Peace.

An Invitation To Connect

If you click on the title above, you will here a live version of the Michael Franti song "I Know I'm Not Alone." Michael Franti is a musician who inspires me greatly and some day I will spend a whole day devoted to him and his music. But for today, I want to focus on our interconnectedness. I truly believe that we are all part of the same thing - the same energy - every living thing is part of this energy. I read somewhere that when we see a stranger, we should say to ourselves "Behold, God." Try this with somebody you don't care for (I can think of somebody right now!) It's powerful! When somebody seems frightening to me, or I am feeling really annoyed at someone in my family, I take a breath and say silently, "behold, god." My energy shifts immediately. I am god, you are god, they are god, this tree is god, etc. (switch out the word god if you are feeling blocked by this...) I am love, you are love, this is love... You're not alone, my love. xoxox

Dance Dance Revolution

So, I was lying in bed this morning thinking 'what would be really inspirational??' and a little voice said 'dancing.' Oh boy. I saw this special on TV about people who had cancer, and this one woman decided that she was going to start living each day to the fullest. She said that having a terminal diagnosis taught her how to live. So part of her daily therapy was to dance with abandon to one song each day (as well as drinking a lot of veggie concoctions and yoga, etc.) And the best part was that I was sitting on my couch, eating chips, and feeling like a slug while I watched this woman with terminal cancer shining like a ray of the sun in all her healthiness. Talk about inspirational. My favorite comedians are self deprecating - not the ones that make fun of other people. I think it's a lot more hilarious to make fun of yourself. So I offer this up with the sincere hope that it helps people take themselves less seriously and have a laugh on me. :) This is for Anne...
hint: click on Dance Dance Revolution

Inspirational

The first post - it's a lot of pressure - it needs to be inspirational right? but really, how many people are actually going to read the first post...that takes the pressure off. I looked up the word 'inspire' and it means: To breathe life into. So, to take that one step further, to infuse with spirit. This video link uplifts me and makes me believe in the world and cry. My 8 year old daughter sat with me while I was watching the video and she went from thinking this man was crazy to saying "He is a good man." Out of the mouth of babes...enjoy. xoxo (hint: click on the title: Inspriational - this took me an embarrassing amount of time to figure out!)