Love

Neem Karoli Baba (Krishna Das's guru) - look at his sweet face...

So I have to speak more about Krishna Das...I saw him last night. Krishna Das was here in Boulder, wearing his signature red t-shirt and red flannel shirt. He looks a lot like my father and they have a similar way about them. Since my father has died, it is especially poignant to see KD and be reminded of my dad and also to see signs of age in KD.

Apparently last night was the last stop on his tour for awhile - he will now take 2 months off - and his voice was a bit ragged and he seemed kind of road weary. But he sang and played his harmonium for 3 hours - it was so great. I got to go with a dear friend - Eleni - and we swayed and clapped together and sang our hearts out.

KD told a story about his guru - Neem Karoli Baba - and what his teacher said to him so many years ago. "Lose yourself in love." KD speaks about following his spiritual practice in order to have a "transparent heart." These concepts seem so simple to read yet so profound to live by. I want a transparent heart - that takes total trust, complete surrender, I think. But that is what I want and that is what I'm working towards. And listening to Krishna Das and practicing 'kirtan' is one sure fire way to get there. As Krishna Das said last night: "the results are inevitable."

Kirtan

Hello Friends,

It is such a beautiful, snowy day here in Boulder. It's been snowing non-stop since yesterday morning. I am all cozy up in my bedroom with my green tea, looking at my altar and feeling the delicious gift of free time. I have a few hours to myself and it feels rich.

Tonight I am going to see Krishna Das at the Unity Church. The first time I ever heard his voice was in a new age shop in Encinitas, CA. They were playing on of his cd's and I felt compelled to ask the store clerk who it was. Then I bought the cd - the rest is history. That was just over 7 years ago and I've been on a wild ride ever since. Big life changes, major clearings, huge heart openings, over and over.

I've listened to KD's cd's over and over, in the car, at the yoga studio, on 'repeat' in my living room. I've given his music as gifts, I've flown across the country to see him perform, I've sat with friends and chanted together. The first time I went to see Krishna Das, (here in Colorado, 5 years ago) he spoke of loving his teacher, his god, his essence, with the same passion and energy we have for a lover. I was struck by this concept - and confounded. I couldn't imagine loving myself that way. I believe that night of kirtan was the beginning of my journey of self-love. Finding love in my heart for myself, for my inner voice, for my god, has been the most spiritual experience I have ever had. I am grateful to call Krishna Das a teacher and I give thanks for him.

(click on the title 'Kirtan' for a lovely video of one his more poignant songs that he sings with his daughter - very moving.)

Dreams

So last night I dreamt about a jaguar - the black cat kind, not the car - and in my dream the jaguar was leading me through the rain forest. This jaguar (a male) asked me if I was afraid of rats. I freaked. "Yes I'm afraid of rats! Terrified!" I squealed. The jaguar was calm and said "Just follow me." So I did.

This morning I looked up 'Jaguar' in Animal Speak (a book about animal totems) and it symbolizes "Reclaiming your inner power" (I s**t you not) and 'Rat' symbolizes "Success." Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

So now I'm contemplating whether I have fear of success and am deciding to reclaim my inner power and let it lead me through the forest. Amen.

Oh Yeah, Uh Huh

Hello, hello! I'm back - I'm back on track. It's been 2 weeks since I was stricken with the flu and I went back to yoga today. I almost passed out and threw up, but I went!!! And that feels like a milestone - just to exercise again. And I meditated today, and I chanted. And you'll never believe it, but guess what? I felt more centered today - hah!

These past few weeks have been incredibly rich for me. I've been on a dark, mysterious journey of the soul - stuff with my mom, stuff with my children's father, stuff with my kids, my illness. It took me a while to start making sense of it and see it as a positive growth opportunity. But I am now. And that makes me feel so much more peaceful and safe. When I was in despair, and feeling all alone and afraid, I wasn't trusting in the process. I felt completely exposed and vulnerable. But I kept reaching out and chanting and trying to "let go and let god" - blindly.

I feel like I have swallowed the darkness, digested it, and made peace with it. I am a different person in just a few short weeks. I had some hard lessons to learn and my illness gave me the gift of time - time to just sit and allow (and cough) - and I see my parts. I see what I need to change. I am finding some humility where there used to be pride. I am finding strength where there used to be fear. I am finding forgiveness where there used to be shame. It was good medicine.

Reindeer

As part of my divorce settlement I 'lost' my prized sterling silver "tree of life" menorah that I had registered for as a newly converted jew. So my first winter holiday season as a single woman, I bought new menorahs for the kids and for myself (brass and acrylic - not sterling silver) and also some over-the-top Christmas reindeer that stood on my lawn and glowed with hundreds of tiny lights. That was the first year in over 10 that I had a Christmas tree and played Christmas music, over and over.

I don't identify with any particular religion (I probably lean the most towards mysticism) but I love the traditions I've picked up over the years. Our family celebrates Hanukkah without fail and Winter Solstice is a very holy time at our house, and Christmas brings joy for the kids as well as rich sensory pleasure for me. I love the music and the lights! Both Andy and I had less than stellar holidays as children and it feels so healing to create new traditions together. Andy was the one who first put up my reindeer and marveled at my childlike pleasure at the sight of them. Every year now he puts them up for me the weekend after Thanksgiving, and I am grateful that he indulges me and touched by the devotion to this tradition we have created.

Hanukkah

Today we made Hanukkah cookies (a tradition that I've been doing with Lili since she was one.) I love having traditions and I love how my children embrace them. Sophie is the one who will remind me what we did the year before. "We always have chocolate fondue on Christmas Eve..." she will remind me. Oh yeah, I forgot I did that last year! It's so amazing to me how comforting continuity can be for the kids as well as myself.

Today I was on a self imposed deadline - I needed to buy latkes at Whole Foods (the best - really peppery and divinely fattening), come home and make cookies with the kids and then take Harlan to soccer, and then come home and cook a chicken, blah blah blah. The kids were not cooperating. At all. In fact, they were ruining it for me. I started to get snappy and sharp and stressed out. Basically everyone in the house retreated to safer areas and I found myself alone in the kitchen. I started thinking about the "joy" of the season and wondered where mine had gone.

I put on a beautiful cd that I listen to at Hanukkah time. It's called "Festival of Lights" and it really is lovely. As the music flowed out into the living room, I took a deep breath and started rolling out the dough. Both of my kids came back and we hugged and we cut out delicious shapes and decorated them. I called Andy on the phone and told him I was feeling better. And I was.

The Voice Within

I did a google image search on 'voice within' and this is what came up. This is the caption under the painting:
"The Great Voice"...sings within us.
Trust in that voice within you.
It will free you to follow your path,
if you listen.

I LOVE that the eagle is carrying him/her aloft. Over and over these past few weeks I have been given the message (again) to trust my inner voice. I have been seeing it in movies, reading it in books, getting it in dreams, hearing it from teachers and friends. Our intuition is the voice of our soul and it is always there for me if I sit in stillness and listen. "Listen, listen, listen to my heart song..." is the refrain from a beautiful song I learned. I feel like the eagle is carrying me right now...and all I need to do is surrender, sit in stillness, and listen to me heart song and hear my inner voice; the voice of my soul.