Magic Kingdom

Hey all (?)

I am off to Disneyland for a few days - I'll write more next week!

xoxo

Gone From My Sight...

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

-unknown (to me)

This was on the back of a program from a memorial I went to last night. I thought it was beautiful and it gives me comfort.

The Death Card

Death is all around me today. I woke last night at 3:45 in the morning, fear of my own "nothingness" swallowing me up in the darkness. I can remember the exact moment that it dawned on me that I would die some day. My mother tried to pacify me but I was inconsolable as I imagined the void - it was terrifying. I was 7 years old and I had just learned that a family friend had died.

During the day, my belief in an afterlife calms me. As I have gotten older my fears have diminished. But sometimes, it sneaks up on me and I am as socked in the gut with terror as a little girl, realizing that some day, her life will be over. Gone.

Tonight I made soup for a woman who is waiting for her husband to die. I called over to see when I could deliver it and learned that he had died earlier this morning. In three days I'm going to a friend's memorial, she was around my age. This morning I spoke with a dear friend about her mother's passing - she died last week on my mother's birthday - life and death.

The conversation with my friend was very special - it is a privilege to me to hear somebody's "death story." Similar to a birth story, it is always personal and highly individual. The times I have been around death have also been times when I've felt the most alive and grateful. There is a feeling of being completely out of the "self" (i.e. ego) and being more in the high self or soul body. I'm not sure what awaits me after death, so I will devote more effort to be conscious and present in this life. To continue to open my heart and love all (yes, I mean ALL) the beautiful people in my life.

ps - the picture above is a Day of the Dead altar that Andy and I created in November. As I see the faces of my grandparents and my father I feel my heart burst with longing and love and joy and sadness - all at once. And I know that there love lives on in me.

Las Flores

Hey now,

The picture above is of an African Violet that has been blooming non-stop for over a YEAR. That is inspirational to me. I feel like I have a plant version of a Virgin Mary face in a tortilla. I think it is my own kitchen miracle and every time I see it I give thanks for the constant gift it is choosing to bestow on us.

Today I went over to our neighbor's house to discuss our shared garden. I am SO excited about this!!! We walked the property and talked about all the vegetables we would like to plant. And I am excited because I am planning on covering our garden fence with morning glories - one of my absolute favorite flowers. I can't wait!

I love flowers...right now I am sitting in my kitchen smelling the spring dirt smell of daffodils, mixed with the rich, chalky smell of potting soil and rosemary. We bought a rosemary plant (which is hilarious if you're from SF because they grow as weed bushes all over) and it desperately needed re-potting. It was wilting and I could FEEL its unhappiness. Do you ever get feelings like that? I feel so bad when my plants need watering, it's like when I have neglected the guinea pig and I just KNOW he's hungry. Terrible.

Anyway, Andy gave me 2 cyclamen for Christmas (one pure white and one fuchsia pink) and in the few weeks they've lived here they are not thriving. So today I went down to the back garden shed and chopped ice away from the door so I could open it and picked out potting soil and larger pots. Then I turned my kitchen into a disaster area of dirt, dried leaves, roots, plant food and plastic starter pots. BUT! I now have the happiest plants!

Los Animales

This is an extremely unflattering picture of me with most of our pets on my lap (I'm drawing the line on the guinea pig.) BUT! I post this to give you a look at what my evenings usually entail after I get the kids to bed. During this freezing Boulder winter, I welcome the extra warmth! Right now I am lying on the couch with Ruby on my shins and Smokey (the black cat, original, I know) on my chest.

Some dogs are legendary heroes (Lassie anyone?) that would give their life for their owner. My dad was dragged out of the water by his diaper by the family dog who saw him fall off the dock - saving his life. But my dog Ruby gives me so much joy just for being her silly little self. She is not one of the "greats" by any stretch of the imagination. She is just a food loving, sound making little bundle of bull dog who makes me laugh - every day.

Today at the dog park, she was by far the smallest canine there - and the big dogs were eyeing her like she was a walking pot roast. At one point, this giant dog tried to take a bite out of her and that is when Fido - one of the greats - came running over and attacked the big dog and put him in his place! From the first day that Ruby and I have been going to the dog park, Fido has been a staple of the park - I call him the Mayor. He's a reddish brown chow - not a breed I normally like - but now I love him because he always protects Ruby; he watches out for her. Anytime a dog is picking on Ruby and she starts to make this scared, yelpy bark...Fido comes running over from wherever he is and body slams into the offender. You gotta love that in a dog...

OK, that's all I have today...be kind to your 4 legged friends folks!

Click on the link "Los Animales" to give food at dog shelters - it's free and it takes 15 seconds.

Squeezing...

Is anyone else feeling squeezed right now? Energetically? If you are, it could be because we are going through an energy portal tomorrow...click on the title "Squeezing" above for more info. about this portal. It will probably resonate for you since we are basically a collective conscious right now (instead of a collective unconscious...) Lots of change up for folks. A shedding, a rinsing, a cleansing - some of it not so comfortable. Anything that doesn't serve is really high lighted right now so we can say "oh yeah, this isn't working - blah." But SOME OF US like to bang our heads against the wall for awhile before we will let go.

So what am I doing during this time of squeezing? Well, lots of yoga for one. And I bought a bunch of daffodils and I am smelling their spring-like earthy scent which gives me hope that spring may some day come here in the arctic tundra of Boulder, CO. And I spent the day with a dear friend yesterday and we sat in a steamy sauna and chanted - and let me tell you - that will get the energy flowing!!! I'll send you some if you would like :) xoxo

It's All In My Head...

I read something today that basically said that I will never be finished with my "to do" list..."All is well, and you will never get it done. " is what it actually said. And I felt this sense of calm come over me - a sense of relief. I almost ALWAYS have a sense that I haven't finished everything I am "supposed" to be doing. The laundry is still overflowing in the bins, my mural is stenciled on the wall, waiting to get painted, my holiday cards - not even begun! And all these things weigh on my mind as "failures" each and every day...for real.

Check this out: "You will never be in a place where all of the things that you are wanting will be satisfied right now, or then you could be complete -- and you never can be." Whoa. That lets me off the hook! I can never be complete...hmmmm. That's a trip. A lot to think about. So all is well right here, right now. I am going to take that in. If I'm truly able to internalize this concept, it could change my whole life.

What if I just looked at the unfinished things on my list as part of life; every day I will have some things on my 'finished' list, some things on my 'currently doing' list and some stuff on my 'unfinished' list? And what if I made a decision not to judge that - just let it be part of what IS, and what will always BE?

Abraham-Hicks (where the quotes are coming from) says that life is supposed to be fun. Here's the best part: "Everything is unfolding perfectly. All is really well. Have fun. Have fun. Have fun!" I'm gonna try!!! :)