Diving Divas

So my mom taught me to dive one summer when we were driving to visit my step-father in rehab - but that's another story. We were driving through the Wisconsin Dells (back in the 70's) and I was fairly old (12 or 13) for not knowing how to dive. My mom was never terribly athletic and she and I didn't spend much time together doing sporty type things. But this particular road trip on this particular day at this particular roadside motel, she was offering her time and attention and I gladly accepted. Looking back, I can only imagine what was going on in her mind as we drove to Hazeldon, MN - the alcoholic rehap capitol of the U.S. and I have nary a clue what was going on in mine...those are my zoned out years of painful puberty and numb coping as my mom and her husband's relationship went from bad to worse.

I remember my bathing suit - a pale blue one piece number. My mom told me to stand at the very edge of the pool, straighten my arms, cover my ears and for god's sake, tuck the chin! As I fell into the water over and over again, I finally got it right and my mom took pleasure in seeing me progress. She took her camera out and snapped several photos of me and later we went out to dinner and we had "taco salads" - something neither one of us had ever heard of and they were delicious (!) and exotic seeming. Weeks later, when my mother got her film delivered, all my diving shots had been condensed into one surreal looking photo - me in every position - a time lapse effect in one picture. I can still see the photo in my mind.

This past week, I taught Sophie to dive - and I've never seen such courage - truly - in her. As I held her at the edge of the pool, I could feel her shaking. I asked her if she was scared and she nodded and said "terrified!" But she never gave up and never stopped practicing. By day 2 she had graduated to the diving board and was doing perfect dives. She even befriended a grown woman who was too scared to dive and convinced her to try. I watched the two of them diving away and slapping each other with high fives. Later in the week, Sophie taught her big sister Emmy (who is 20) to dive and she did it - no sweat. I love how this legacy (handed down from my mom) continues in a blended, crazy-quilt lineage.

So 2 days ago, I told Lili she was going to dive off the diving board. She has been swimming like a fish all summer (even learning the butterfly!!) This kid is a natural and she attacked this head on. She did about 5 practice dives off the edge and then went off the board. Flawless. This kid...

Happy Summer...XOXO

Picnics

This summer I made a wish list...a list of all the things that feel "summery" to me and that I hoped I would get a chance to do. My list is kind of long but full of fun stuff - mostly free too. Anyway, one of the things on my list is to have a lot of picnics...the kind where I can use all the table cloths I seem to have inherited from various relatives. Table cloths are so pretty but they get stained and have to be dry cleaned. I have a whole drawer full of crisp, white linen, monogrammed table cloths from my maternal grandmother. I haven't touched them because I hate to be the one that stains the snowy white cloth. So I just gaze at them and lightly touch the thin protective plastic.

I have a beautiful linen table cloth that was hand embroidered by my grandmother that I have used now for 3 different picnics. At every event, there has been some food spilled on it, and each time I have taken it upstairs, soaked it in oxyclean, and cold water washed it. It looks great. It looks a little used, but I'm glad I get to enjoy it. What am I waiting for? Carpe Diem right?

I've had a dream to have a garden party for several summers now. Each summer has seemed to be more hectic than the next. Blended family stuff, kid stuff, foreign exchange student stuff, stifling Boulder heat, projects, breakdowns, melt downs, expectations, etc. have all gotten "in the way" of me having a great garden party (and the great summer I am always determined to have, yet feel has eluded me.)

Well, I am more than halfway through this summer (actually 51 days into summer - it started very early here in Boulder - only 30 more to go) and I have been doing TONS of stuff on my list. I love having a list! And I had a garden party this past week for a few of my dear women friends (one visiting from Santa Barbara) and it was so nice. Very laid back. Very visually pleasing. And the food was delicious. It was a potluck salad lunch...and unbelievably tasty. (I made a red rice salad from August's Yoga Journal - faboo!) So please check out some of these pics and note the table cloths!

xoxo

ps - I fear that this post was shallow and blah blah blah but I was trying to to put it into words and having a tough time! sorry if it made the eyelids heavy!

pps - I am having the BEST summer ever too...just had to say that. I have a lot of gratitude for the way this summer has flowed - beautiful.

4th of July

I love this holiday! It's one of my major faves...I used to spend every summer (or at least a chunk of it) with my grandparents in Rhode Island, and I have such vivid memories of the 4th of July. They lived in Narragansett, right on the ocean, and we would always spend part of the day in the water. City folks from Providence would clog the roads driving down to the beaches, but we were already there...enjoying ourselves, enjoying the scene.

At night we would have lobster for dinner and drive to the sea wall. Hundreds of cars would line the boulevard, people spilling from the doors, to jockey for a seat on the wall itself. My grandfather would stand close as I sat on the wall with my legs dangling over the side - giant rocks, perriwinkles, and seaweed glistening as the waves crashed below me. Looking out over the water, we would wait for the first fireworks coming further down the sand, at the Dunes Club. All of Narragansett Bay stretched out in a crescent before us and fireworks could be seen as far away as Newport.

And always, always, that night involved ice cream cones. Whether we bought a soft serve cone (coffee for the grown ups, chocolate for me) at one of the road side stands, or went to Newport Creamery, we always had one. And we licked our cones as we watched the sky with anticipation.

This year I had an AWESOME holiday. I had the kids with me (yea!) and good friends over and lots of yummy food. The yard looked beautiful and Andy lit all the torches. We did tons of sparklers and a friend brought over some more pyro-techy type things which the kids loved. More than watching the fire crackers, I loved watching the kids faces as they stood off to the side, enthralled and terrified all at once, holding hands with their buddies.

Then we walked a few blocks down the street to the top of 19th and watched the big fireworks from Folsom Field. The crowd cheered as one at the huge finale and I walked with a very sleepy Harlan back to the house as Andy and Lili raced ahead.

I love when I am in the moment, recognizing new traditions and waching memories being formed in my kids' minds. xoxo

Summer Solstice S'mores

Well, one of my absolute favorite times of the year is the longest, lightest day of the year - Summer Solstice. And this year it falls on a Friday night. And on that night, I'll be celebrating at our neighborhood Elk's Club pool. They have a BBQ every Friday night and it's SO fun! It's amazing how many people are enjoying themselves. Little kids are having a blast swimming in the pool, teen-aged libido is so thick you can see it, and adults are having a great time getting buzzed. I was just having a great time being all of the ages aforementioned. I spent so much time as a kid swimming at pools and as a teenager being a lifeguard at a pool and my adult was getting a contact high from all the socializing with everyone.

BUT! On Saturday night, we are having some families in our neighborhood come over for s'mores and that is another one of my favorite summer things to do with the kiddos. Personally, I just like being the "keeper" of the supplies and handing them out (that way I can eat all the chocolate) but the kids have so much fun roasting and toasting and running around. I love when I see memories in the making. It means a lot to me.

So, happy Summer Solstice Everyone! xoxo

Summertime...

I've decided that I'm going to devote the next several posts to my favorite time of year - Summer. I love it so! My absolute favorite days of the year are the ones that are getting longer and lighter. After June 21, a part of me feels sad, even though high summer is here, because I know the days are getting shorter.

Today I dedicate this post to a beautiful summer flower...the Peony. Blowsy, bowled over, head hanging low, the peony is a full bloom whose scent intoxicates. I've cut several and placed them in vases all over the house and I can smell them wherever I go. They've inspired me to clean my room because they deserve a clean room for display. Sometimes I am traveling when they are at their heyday of bloomage (I made that up) and I am so sad to miss it. But this year, I am home and enjoying their beauty and grace.

What's your favorite summer flower? xoxo

A Good Death

Death is an inevitable cycle. But sickness before death is a symptom of resistance. Most people think they've got to get sick to die. But, you could be like the cat who chooses to get run over. Or, you could just lie down in your bed, happily, one night, so content and thoughtless, wanting nothing in this physical world, and just reemerge into Pure Positive Energy... You can play it out any way you choose.

-Abraham-Hicks

I love this quote - and I hope it's true. I did much preparation for both kids' births and they were wonderful, powerful, and awe-inspiring. I watched my father die and marveled at the journey he undertook. If I truly can choose my death, I am going to be 103 and be surrounded by my children and grandchildren and I am going to say goodbye and give kisses and hugs, and then I am going to go to sleep and die peacefully.

But when I am really on top of my game, I try and live each day as if it is my last and it's amazing how much love I can access for the people in my life if I pretend that I only have one day to live. Try it and see how it works for you...

xoxo

Come and Go

One thing that's been coming up for me is how nothing is permanent. Everything changes. And sometimes, things change fast. When I am in a state of grace, I can easily see the beauty and 'rightness' of change. When I spending time with a loved one, or truly enjoying some experience, I try and take a moment to express my gratitude for this fleeting moment. Because I know it won't last.

Recently, there have been some relationship changes in my life. When I trust that all is perfectly unfolding, then I can relax into the flow. Doors closing create new openings and it's been beautiful to see who is coming in. There are people who I am re-connecting with after months or years (friends who live in CA) and there are people who have been here all along, and I finally am getting together with. And there are new friends that are coming in too, people to get to know and learn more about. One thing, I genuinely love getting to know people - young and old - and I hope that whatever job I get some day will involve working with people.

xoxo

Squeaks

A couple years ago, Lili's beloved cat - Peachy Roo - died a sudden and mysterious death. Since then, we have acquired some guinea pigs (the two "girls" we bought had babies) and a wonderful, black cat named Smokey. Lili picked Smokey out as a birthday present for Sophie a year and a half ago. I loved this generous act of Lili's - especially since her cat had recently died. Smokey was rescued from a shelter and there was something about him that made him irresistible. Now this post isn't about Smokey, but let me just say that I have had many cats in my life and this is definitely the sweetest cat I have ever lived with. I call him Ghandi. Let's leave it at that.

Last year Lili really wanted a Leopard Gecko for a pet and I foolishly agreed before I researched it further. I really didn't think this would be a big deal and I wanted Lili to have a pet - especially because she really knows how to behave with animals. As the oldest of our young kids, Lili is the gentlest and most kind when it comes to animal care. So last year, we drove to the reptile store and checked out the geckos. The more questions I asked the reptile guy, the less I wanted to invest time and money into a pet that it seemed obvious that I would have to take care of. I did something that I regret to this day and will for the rest of my history as a mother. I told Lili in the pet store that I had changed my mind and she could not get a Leopard Gecko. The deal was off. To say that Lili was crushed would be an understatement. I'm sure that there will be a day (I'm guessing some time when Lili is in her 20's) that I will be sitting in a therapist's office looking at my daughter and making amends for this mistake. I have apologized to Lili for the poor way that I handled this situation but I know it was very painful for her at the time.

So now, Lili is about to turn nine and has been asking for a rat for the past several months. She didn't know it, but Andy and I had discussed getting her a kitten for her birthday. But Lili has really been pushing for a rat and one day, it just dawned on me..."why not?" So this past Monday, we set out to buy Lili a rat for an early birthday present. The "baby" rats at PetSmart looked suspiciously old and rodent-y and I just didn't think I could take the leap. I knew Lili wanted a rat 'today!' and our options weren't looking very good. We got in the car and started driving and I got the impulse to check out the reptile place - even though their sign said they sold reptiles and fish. But, where there are reptiles...there are usually rodents... So we went in and asked. The guys said they had "tons" of rats (I had to resist running out right then and there) and took us into the back room to view them.

I can't describe the squalor that these poor rats were living in. Picture a wall of drawers. The guy would open a drawer and rats would pour out of the drawer. (OK, not really pour, but they would stand up on their hind legs and try and climb out, and I noticed the guy would jerk his hand back, making me think that he had just had a rat bite.) There were drawers labeled small, medium, and large and there was also one especially creepy drawer marked "guards" - which the guy assured me were the "meanest rats" of all. I felt faint. But there was one drawer that had one tiny, white rat in it. And that of course is the rat that Lili picked. This baby rat didn't look too healthy, but he/she sure was cute...and little.

Well, we got her home (Lili wants her to be a girl) and honestly, she is as cute as can be. I said a little prayer as walked into the house that this pet would bless our home with its presence and hopefully be as divinely perfect for us as Smokey has proven to be. I hoped that we would get a lot of satisfaction from this little being. And that is exactly what has happened. This rat is the sweetest little being She snuggles up and sleeps on my shoulder and Lili has been holding her and loving her since the moment we got home with her. "Squeaks" likes to wash her face and make little rat sounds at us and she seems friendly, inquisitive and smart. And the best part is that she has never bitten anyone. (Our guinea pigs have bitten us since the very first day of residence here, and have no interest in us at all.)

So, all is well in pet land for today...and that is a good thing.

Little Farm Miracle

Well, I hope I can do this story justice. I've been meaning to write it for several days now. As you know, we are doing a shared garden with our neighbors. Once we really started looking at the amount of space we had, and measured out the beds, we realized we have a huge plot! I invited another family to participate with us - officially making this a community garden. I could not be happier at how this is turning out. I feel so pleased deep in my heart that we will all come together and grow food - 3 families, many children, much experience, good company.

The only cloud on the horizon was the neighbor directly to the north of the garden space. I had overheard that he was not happy about us doing a garden so close to his property (in fairness to him - he has enjoyed virtual open space for years, with no activity near his property line.) This made me feel uncomfortable. I have never met this neighbor (or his family) and didn't want to intrude on his space, nor did I want the enjoyment of my garden curtailed by an unfriendly neighbor resenting my presence. What to do?

This past Sunday, we met with the third family to show them the plot and discuss details. I met Eric on the path and he explained that Jill would be joining us shortly, she was just feeding their friends' chickens, close to where our garden is. I asked him where exactly this house was, and guess what? It's the house right next to our garden, with the guy that didn't want us to have the garden! It turns out that they are very close to this family - they even home school their daughters together.

Do you ever get glimpses of fate working? Like sometimes we are so close to the tapestry of our life that we can only see the messy strings, but sometimes, in moments of divine grace, we can see the front of the tapestry and see the beautiful picture of our life, and it makes sense in a deep, internal, knowing way? Well, this felt like one of these moments unfolding. All of a sudden, it made more than perfect sense that we had asked Eric and Jill to share the garden with us, and it was perfect that they were good friends with this man who had grumbled about our garden, and just wait until you read what happened next!

So I shared with our new gardening partners that their friend was not happy about the garden and asked them to serve as "ambassadors" to smooth the way. They both assured me that he would get over it and not to worry about it, but I was still nervous. There we all were, congregating in the garden space, in plain view of the house, and out came the man, just back from his vacation. I was so nervous! He walked over to the fence and said hello to all of us. Then he went on to admit that he wasn't too happy about idea of our garden. I was so glad that he came out and named the "elephant in the room." We all let him speak his mind and really, it turned out that he was afraid that we weren't going to actually follow through and that he would just be looking at an unfinished project - an eyesore. I assured him that our garden would be a thing of supreme beauty for him to look at and that we would respect his family's privacy.

The more we all talked, the softer he got. He even said "I came out here thinking, you know, I could be against this garden, or this could be an opportunity for me to meet my neighbors." And we told him we were so glad he had. By the end of the meeting, he was offering his sand box and trampoline for our kids to play in, saying "the kids might need something to do if you're out here gardening" and he picked Sophie up to help her over the fence so she could look at his chickens. And the best part of all was when he leaned in close, with a smile on his face and said: "Let's do this...the next time you guys are going to have a big gardening day, let me know and I'll make a big pot of french-pressed coffee, and we'll make an occasion out of it."

Andy and I walked away full of joy and gratitude that our encounter had gone the way it had. Andy had tears in his eyes. I know this sounds corny, but I felt like our little garden was already bearing fruit (love) and we haven't even started planting!!! Yea.

Little Farm

A while ago, I wrote about wanting to live off the land, to eat what I grow and to live in community. Well, there are several inspiring quotes that have to do with "blooming where you're planted" or creating heaven here on earth, etc. and I love the empowerment of that. I want so many things that don't feel possible right now because of money or life circumstances. But I also feel like I can do a little each day, right now, to work towards my more long term desires.

We are starting a garden with our neighbors and it is huge! I call it the "Little Farm." Andy was out today measuring it and I am posting some pictures of the land. Our neighbors (John and Anna) have a full acre of land and we are using the back portion of their yard for this project. It is so exciting to me that we are doing this! Next week a small bobcat machine is coming to chop up the grass and rototill the soil, so there will be more pics to follow, but for now, here are two photos of the land...the first is of Andy, measuring it out, and the second is of some goofy girl. oxxo

Gambler's Garden

That's what Andy calls a garden that gets planted this early in the season...and guess what? We are gamblers!!! Yippee!! Tomorrow, Andy and I are going to dig up our square foot garden, add some peat moss and compost, turn the soil and plant lettuces and chard. I'm so excited! The weather is supposed to be in the mid 60's tomorrow and Spring really does feel close by - even if it did snow last night.

Here's a picture of our square foot garden - taken today - and I'll post a photo of it after it gets beautified...yea!

Cookie Dough

What's more inspiring than that? (I jest - sort of.) My son loves cookie dough ice cream, he is amazed at the delicious morsels inside the vanilla ice cream, and just picks them out to savor. I was kind of amazed to learn that he didn't know that you could actually just make cookie dough and skip the vanilla ice cream part. (Have I really never made chocolate chip cookies with my boy???)

Well, today, I taught my 6 year old boy how to make chocolate chip cookies and let him eat a bunch of the dough - he was in heaven. And so was I :)

xoxo

Signs of Spring

Every year that I've lived in Boulder, I've been amazed by Spring. After 12+ years of living in Northern California, I had forgotten what a miraculous occasion Spring is. Long, dark months of staying indoors give way to lighter days and tiny green things poking out of the soil, amidst a sea of dead looking plants that couldn't possibly ever grow back - right?

White Flower Farms (in New England) offers a 100 bulb package each summer (that they ship to you in the Fall) and Harlan and I planted 100 bulbs last October - it's so exciting to see them come up!

Weather is calling for snow and rain tonight, but I love seeing my valiant daffodils (in all colors and sizes) lifting their heads up to shine some radiant yellow light on the still brown and gray landscape...

jasimine

is the most beautiful smelling flower in the world. when i first moved to berkeley (in 1990) i was amazed at this miraculous plant - spilling over fences, and perfuming my basement room in a shared house close to telegraph avenue.

my daughter wants a pet rat and she has picked one out - a fawn colored female, actually very pretty - and she wants to name her jasimine... sweet.

The Amazing Orca...

Here is a quote from "Granny" (an 80 something orca that lives in the waters of Washington state) excerpted from the book "Communicating With Orcas" by Mary J. Getten.

"Prime Cause (source, spirit, god) embodies all concepts and is the origin of all energies and all beings. Because all come from Prime Cause, we are all Prime Cause. In your words, we are all God."

This is an amazing book that tells of amazing creatures. I never knew how special orcas are and I love learning more about them.

xoxo

Click on the title "The Amazing Orca" to access her website...

good medicine

I am painting a picture of Medicine Buddha (the Buddha of Healing) on my front hall wall. I've been doing this for over a year...first, I hand plastered the wall, then my step-daughter Emmy painted the wall. There it sat for about a year. About 2 months ago, I started penciling in the outline. This has been such a process for me and it's taught me a lot about myself. I've been paralyzed for fear that I will "mess it up." So I won't do any any work on it...aargghh!

I went to a high teaching about Moses last night - it was highly inspirational. I wish you could have been there. Moses brought the Jews out of slavery, and some of these Jews were attached to their identity as slaves. I've been noticing areas of my life where I feel like a 'slave' or where I enslave myself. If I never paint my Medicine Buddha because of my fear of imperfection, then I am a slave to my ego...

And Medicine Buddha has really good mojo - check it out: Medicine Buddha is the embodiement of the collective healing power of all the Buddhas. He is the physician, the enlightened healer who protects living beings from physical and mental sickness, as well as other dangers and obstacles. Medicine Buddha helps all beings to effectively eradicate the three poisons of Attachment, Hatred, and Ignorance, which are the cause of all sickness and suffering. Medicine Buddha reminds us that awakening is not an escape or retreat from personal problems, but rather reaching outward and embracing the entire world with healing love and compassion in our heart.

Nothing wrong with that, right? So, here I go...I'm going to finish it this week!

xoxo

sweet words

Hello, hello. My heart is overflowing today with love for my family. I'm still on this bread kick too by the way. I've got 2 loaves waiting to bake, and a batch of heart cookies cooling - don't I sound perfect? hah! Andy came home today and I told him to have a snack so we wouldn't eat dinner too early - I told him he would need to eat a stick of butter if he wanted to keep up with me! I had buttered popcorn and cookies with butter cream frosting for my snack - good god y'all. But oh, so good!

OK, this is serious now...seriously inspirational. There is a woman singer that I can't get enough of. She sings inspirational chants and songs. It's not for everyone, but if you are at all interested in "yoga" music, this is the real deal. Click above on the "sweet words" title to access her website. I have been buying her songs in iTunes and I have been playing them over and over. I am listening to her while I cook, while I paint my medicine buddha, and I also sing aloud to her as part of my morning meditation.

And no joke, every time I put this music on in the living room, my little guy comes out of the family room, away from his Star Wars Lego computer game, and just hangs out in the kitchen. This just happened and I asked him if I could hold him and he said 'yes' and I just held him and swayed, heart to heart, for a rare 60 seconds...

Oh yeah, her name is Snatam Kaur...check her out.

xoxo

Happy Valentine's Day

Hello All,

I hope each and everyone of you had a beautiful, love-filled Valentine's Day. It was a cozy, snowy day here and we started the day off with cards and chocolates. Yesterday, when I was in the card section at Target, I had a moment of profound gratitude for my husband. He is so lovely and loving to me, and sentimental, which I appreciate. I am a sap at heart and have never allowed myself to show that to any partner, and have never picked partners that would nurture that... Every romantic card I looked at made me smile. I love having a partner that gives me the freedom to shower him with love! And returns that! This morning he gave me a beautiful card and a red velvet heart box of chocolates. And you know what? I've always wanted a red velvet heart box of chocolates!!! Ever since I was a little girl...and I've never had one! So this was a very special treat for me.

Speaking of special treats...my ex-husband stopped over tonight to deliver some valentine presents for the kids. Harlan (my son) invited him in to see some Lego stuff) and my ex came in and stayed a while. This is a valentine's miracle that I am grateful for. I want my children to feel that their parents are welcome in their homes - anytime. So good for him for setting aside his differences and coming in for the kids. And then my ex (I'm just using "ex" not to use his first name - see what I mean about censoring myself??) gave Lili (my girl) a red velvet heart box of chocolates - and she was over the moon...awww. I love that both my little girls (Lili and I) got something so very special today.

BIG LOVE TO YOU!
XOXO

Give us this day...

our daily bread...

This is a photo of a loaf of bread that I made. I've been totally getting into making bread and I love it! And I love this recipe...if you want a copy, just send me an email (or comment) and I'll send you a copy right away.

Anyway, one of you may have noticed that I haven't been on my 'daily' blog for awhile - how about that Magic Kingdom?! I guess it took me awhile to recover from Disneyland! But seriously, I was getting weirded out about my blog. I felt like it was getting too ego-y and to 'I' centered. Like I was trying too hard to come up with these "Deep Thoughts" and be all inspired and shit. And then I started worrying about people reading my blog - the wrong people - like my ex-husband...(who cares??) but I was censoring myself.

The good thing that came out of that is that I started writing the more personal stuff in a journal (which takes care of the self-censorship issue I was having.) And a new friend (yea to new friends!) suggested that I do an anonymous blog* for some of my more personal issues that I still want to write about and share with others - this way I can be completely uncensored and not hurt anyone else in the process (i.e. protect anonymity.) Brilliant!

So I am thinking that I'll keep this blog going for my one fan out there (and you know who you are!) but I'll let myself off the hook and keep it short, sweet and hopefully inspirational...

xoxo

*Picture me, cocking my head to one side and doing my BEST Yoda voice: "Anonymous blog I can do?"

Magic Kingdom

Hey all (?)

I am off to Disneyland for a few days - I'll write more next week!

xoxo

Gone From My Sight...

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

-unknown (to me)

This was on the back of a program from a memorial I went to last night. I thought it was beautiful and it gives me comfort.

The Death Card

Death is all around me today. I woke last night at 3:45 in the morning, fear of my own "nothingness" swallowing me up in the darkness. I can remember the exact moment that it dawned on me that I would die some day. My mother tried to pacify me but I was inconsolable as I imagined the void - it was terrifying. I was 7 years old and I had just learned that a family friend had died.

During the day, my belief in an afterlife calms me. As I have gotten older my fears have diminished. But sometimes, it sneaks up on me and I am as socked in the gut with terror as a little girl, realizing that some day, her life will be over. Gone.

Tonight I made soup for a woman who is waiting for her husband to die. I called over to see when I could deliver it and learned that he had died earlier this morning. In three days I'm going to a friend's memorial, she was around my age. This morning I spoke with a dear friend about her mother's passing - she died last week on my mother's birthday - life and death.

The conversation with my friend was very special - it is a privilege to me to hear somebody's "death story." Similar to a birth story, it is always personal and highly individual. The times I have been around death have also been times when I've felt the most alive and grateful. There is a feeling of being completely out of the "self" (i.e. ego) and being more in the high self or soul body. I'm not sure what awaits me after death, so I will devote more effort to be conscious and present in this life. To continue to open my heart and love all (yes, I mean ALL) the beautiful people in my life.

ps - the picture above is a Day of the Dead altar that Andy and I created in November. As I see the faces of my grandparents and my father I feel my heart burst with longing and love and joy and sadness - all at once. And I know that there love lives on in me.

Las Flores

Hey now,

The picture above is of an African Violet that has been blooming non-stop for over a YEAR. That is inspirational to me. I feel like I have a plant version of a Virgin Mary face in a tortilla. I think it is my own kitchen miracle and every time I see it I give thanks for the constant gift it is choosing to bestow on us.

Today I went over to our neighbor's house to discuss our shared garden. I am SO excited about this!!! We walked the property and talked about all the vegetables we would like to plant. And I am excited because I am planning on covering our garden fence with morning glories - one of my absolute favorite flowers. I can't wait!

I love flowers...right now I am sitting in my kitchen smelling the spring dirt smell of daffodils, mixed with the rich, chalky smell of potting soil and rosemary. We bought a rosemary plant (which is hilarious if you're from SF because they grow as weed bushes all over) and it desperately needed re-potting. It was wilting and I could FEEL its unhappiness. Do you ever get feelings like that? I feel so bad when my plants need watering, it's like when I have neglected the guinea pig and I just KNOW he's hungry. Terrible.

Anyway, Andy gave me 2 cyclamen for Christmas (one pure white and one fuchsia pink) and in the few weeks they've lived here they are not thriving. So today I went down to the back garden shed and chopped ice away from the door so I could open it and picked out potting soil and larger pots. Then I turned my kitchen into a disaster area of dirt, dried leaves, roots, plant food and plastic starter pots. BUT! I now have the happiest plants!

Los Animales

This is an extremely unflattering picture of me with most of our pets on my lap (I'm drawing the line on the guinea pig.) BUT! I post this to give you a look at what my evenings usually entail after I get the kids to bed. During this freezing Boulder winter, I welcome the extra warmth! Right now I am lying on the couch with Ruby on my shins and Smokey (the black cat, original, I know) on my chest.

Some dogs are legendary heroes (Lassie anyone?) that would give their life for their owner. My dad was dragged out of the water by his diaper by the family dog who saw him fall off the dock - saving his life. But my dog Ruby gives me so much joy just for being her silly little self. She is not one of the "greats" by any stretch of the imagination. She is just a food loving, sound making little bundle of bull dog who makes me laugh - every day.

Today at the dog park, she was by far the smallest canine there - and the big dogs were eyeing her like she was a walking pot roast. At one point, this giant dog tried to take a bite out of her and that is when Fido - one of the greats - came running over and attacked the big dog and put him in his place! From the first day that Ruby and I have been going to the dog park, Fido has been a staple of the park - I call him the Mayor. He's a reddish brown chow - not a breed I normally like - but now I love him because he always protects Ruby; he watches out for her. Anytime a dog is picking on Ruby and she starts to make this scared, yelpy bark...Fido comes running over from wherever he is and body slams into the offender. You gotta love that in a dog...

OK, that's all I have today...be kind to your 4 legged friends folks!

Click on the link "Los Animales" to give food at dog shelters - it's free and it takes 15 seconds.

Squeezing...

Is anyone else feeling squeezed right now? Energetically? If you are, it could be because we are going through an energy portal tomorrow...click on the title "Squeezing" above for more info. about this portal. It will probably resonate for you since we are basically a collective conscious right now (instead of a collective unconscious...) Lots of change up for folks. A shedding, a rinsing, a cleansing - some of it not so comfortable. Anything that doesn't serve is really high lighted right now so we can say "oh yeah, this isn't working - blah." But SOME OF US like to bang our heads against the wall for awhile before we will let go.

So what am I doing during this time of squeezing? Well, lots of yoga for one. And I bought a bunch of daffodils and I am smelling their spring-like earthy scent which gives me hope that spring may some day come here in the arctic tundra of Boulder, CO. And I spent the day with a dear friend yesterday and we sat in a steamy sauna and chanted - and let me tell you - that will get the energy flowing!!! I'll send you some if you would like :) xoxo

It's All In My Head...

I read something today that basically said that I will never be finished with my "to do" list..."All is well, and you will never get it done. " is what it actually said. And I felt this sense of calm come over me - a sense of relief. I almost ALWAYS have a sense that I haven't finished everything I am "supposed" to be doing. The laundry is still overflowing in the bins, my mural is stenciled on the wall, waiting to get painted, my holiday cards - not even begun! And all these things weigh on my mind as "failures" each and every day...for real.

Check this out: "You will never be in a place where all of the things that you are wanting will be satisfied right now, or then you could be complete -- and you never can be." Whoa. That lets me off the hook! I can never be complete...hmmmm. That's a trip. A lot to think about. So all is well right here, right now. I am going to take that in. If I'm truly able to internalize this concept, it could change my whole life.

What if I just looked at the unfinished things on my list as part of life; every day I will have some things on my 'finished' list, some things on my 'currently doing' list and some stuff on my 'unfinished' list? And what if I made a decision not to judge that - just let it be part of what IS, and what will always BE?

Abraham-Hicks (where the quotes are coming from) says that life is supposed to be fun. Here's the best part: "Everything is unfolding perfectly. All is really well. Have fun. Have fun. Have fun!" I'm gonna try!!! :)

Money Money Money

So part of my 2008 program is getting intimate with money. Luckily my ex-husband is giving me lots of opportunities to do this! I am being asked to disclose all of my financial information for the PAST THREE YEARS. Anyone that knows me knows that I would rather poke both of my eyes out with blunt knitting needles, repeatedly. Blah.

But! When life gives you crap, turn it into crapinade right? Actually, I want to look at my spending, my financial patterns, rather than fall back on my head-in-the-sand approach that has been my m.o. for all these years. I believe that spending time looking at my finances and being present with money matters will get me the results I've been wishing for. I'm calling in abundance for 2008 but this time, I am also tilling the soil, fertilizing it, watering, etc.

Two days ago I sat down with Andy and went over some medical bills that had been piling up. We worked out a payment schedule that seems possible to us and then I called the bookkeeper and asked her if that payment plan would work for her. She said "yes." And then I called the doctor to let her know that I had worked out a payment plan. Then I did some additional paperwork that needed to be done re. this matter. A weight was off my shoulders

The very next day, the VERY next day, I received some money that was owed to me. I had no idea it was coming and I was so happy to receive it. It felt like flow and I look forward to experiencing this more and more.

XOXO

Aarrghh

My inspiration hasn't been very 'daily' has it? Oops. Well, I'm practicing progress, not perfection. I really wanted to post daily but life gets ahead of me sometimes. I am painting a wall mural in my house of Medicine Buddha (the blue one) and it is really powerful. I only have the outline sketched but every time I work on the piece, I feel like I am receiving the Buddha's medicine. I'll post a picture of it when I'm done.

Lately I've had lots of opportunities to be creative and it feels good. I'm working on a glass/collage piece for a friend's birthday and my wall mural and perhaps a silk painting for a little later on in the month. I'm trying to come up with a beautiful, inexpensive type of greeting card (love in the new year - belated happy holidays, etc.) but perhaps it will turn into a Valentine's greeting?? Could be appropriate seeing as I believe 2008 will be a big HEART OPENING year!!!

Ok, that's all for now - good night and big love.

xoxo

Happy New Year

Wishing you and yours a healthy, abundant, LOVE filled 2008. My intention for the new year is to continue to reach out to others and create a network of spiritual companions and to continue to listen to the voice within and let it out! What about you?

xoxo